


Getting Ahead

by Dispenser



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Gen, heavily implied EngieSniper
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-04
Updated: 2020-11-04
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:48:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27392221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dispenser/pseuds/Dispenser
Summary: It was three in the morning when Demo found himself rudely awoken, shaken by the collar of his shirt violently by an incredibly demanding soldier. (Secret Satan 2020)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 27





	Getting Ahead

**Author's Note:**

  * For [PupsIsMyDog](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PupsIsMyDog/gifts).



> This was a gift exchange piece for Pupsismydog! The prompt I worked with was "merc's reaction to Spy's head" - it was super fun to cook up ideas! I hope you all enjoy.

It was three in the morning when Demo found himself rudely awoken, shaken by the collar of his shirt violently by an incredibly demanding soldier. Demo struggled to get up, groaning as he attempted to blink his sleep stupor away.

“Wh – wha –? Are we under attack? What time is it –”

“No time to explain, private!” Soldier practically hissed, trying to keep uncharacteristically quiet. “Just follow me!”

It was all Demo could do to get as dressed and armed up as he could in time, barely noticing as he stumbled out of his room behind Soldier, the strange lump he was unsuccessfully trying to hide underneath his company-issued coat. Demo blinked though as he finally recognized where they were headed…the garage.

“What the bloody hell…”

Soldier had already broken into a brisk jog ahead of him, making his way right towards Sniper’s camper van. With one swift kick from him, the front door to the rickety vehicle swung open, as Soldier motioned Demo over.

“C’mon, we don’t got all day!”

Well…he’d followed Soldier this far. There was no way to keep the man from driving off on his own anyway, and someone needed to make sure he didn’t get into  _ too _ much trouble on his own. Demo shrugged; he took a swig of whiskey with barely a pause, before following Soldier inside, taking shotgun.

As Demo checked to make sure his grenade launcher was fully reloaded, Soldier climbed in hurriedly after him, pulling Sniper’ van keys from where he usually hid them in a cranny of the dashboard. A triumphant grunt as he found them, before shuffling them into the ignition with a sputtering start.

“So we’re goin’ for a drive,” Demo slowly started before he felt himself suddenly pushed back into his car seat with a low curse, as Soldier stepped down hard on the gas. “GIVE A WARNIN’ NEXT TIME, lad!”

There was a loud thud in the back of the van, and Demo hoped to god that nothing fell off a shelf and broke.

“There are no warnings where WE’RE going maggot, not under my watch! Demo, it is my unfortunate duty to report that we are now on the lam!”

“The lam…?”

Demo stared at Soldier for a second before grabbing the handle to his side of the van with yet another curse as Soldier took another rough turn on the roads ahead.

“That’s right! Fugitives! Outcasts! Men on the run! I had to drag you along with me because otherwise they’d try to use you to get to me…hold my buddy by the way.”

Demo tried to respond before his mouth gummed shut as a human head was tossed directly into his lap, Demo fumbling it in his hands with a shout. The last thing he wanted to be handling right now was a member of Soldier’s rancid collection of severed enemy heads, he swore to…

“Hello. You wouldn’t happen to have a cigarette, would you?”

Demo paused, before slowly looking down at the head in his hands.

It was the head of an enemy blu spy.

An enemy blu spy that was somehow alive, in fact.

Demo shuffled out his whiskey yet again, before taking a much longer swig than before…from the way things were shaping up, he was going to need it.

“I got a pack, but no light on me – wait, I’m not talking to no damn head! Soldier, what the hell is goin’ on?!”

“Well no need to be rude about it,” the spy head sniffed as Demo spluttered, Soldier still focused hard on the road ahead.

“Son, back in the day, it wasn’t easy out there! I had to swim across the English Channel ten miles and back just to get to Europe, I tell you! I had to make my way bare naked through the snow and tall grass…”

“The isles are European too y’know –”

“It wasn’t an easy task, trying to find where the hell Poland was! I was all over! Spain! France! Turkey! France again! Lebanon! Greece! France, a third time!” Soldier continued undeterred, banging his fist on the wheel as he took another sharp turn to god knows where. “I may have been lost, but I sure as hell made sure to beat the living hell out of any goddamn kraut in my way…”

“Alright,” Demo sighed before looking down towards the Spy head as Soldier kept monologuing, clearly ignoring him. “Y’two met, I take it? Before…”

Demo waved a hand as kindly as he could towards the fact that the Spy head was well…a head. Disembodied. No body.

Christ.

“You mean back when I had functioning limbs? Hm, yes, you could say so,” the head replied blandly, as he turned his eyes away from Soldier, up towards Demo curiously now. “My, last I saw you, you had both eyes. Whatever happened to you, yourself?”

Demo opened his mouth before closing it, confused.

“…Have we met…?”

Demo squinted harder now at the Spy face, examining him closer now. He hated to admit, but he barely recognized the face – well, head. That’s all there was. And he’d always been missing an eye, since he was a young child in fact…he couldn’t have known the Spy from THAT long ago…

“Only passingly,” the Spy mentioned, tone of voice inscrutable. “Were you ever stationed in The Well?”

Wait.

The Well…?

Demo blinked in remembrance…the Well was the first place he’d ever been stationed, along with a few other mercenaries he would come to know in the final makeup of his team. Medic had been among them at the time, hadn’t he?

Ah…it was all starting to make sense.

Medic had tried unsuccessfully to replace his eye permanently when they initially met, the repressed memories now undredging themselves. And it had worked – at least for a fair bit of time.

Before well, it had escaped his eye socket.

And…transformed into a terrifying monster, hell bent on destroying them all come Halloween.

Demo shuddered quietly…he had repressed those memories for a reason after all.

“Yeah…yeah I was. I did indeed lose me eye a second time there.” At that, Demo scrunched his nose. “Don’t like to talk about it.”

“Understandable.”

“And uh…you?”

“…Me?”

“Yeah. You. Your missing uh…”

“Well no need to be shy about it,” the Spy head snorted. “I think it’s quite obvious I’m a severed goddamn head.”

“Eh, yeah well…” Demo shrugged sheepishly. He didn’t know how else to go about mentioning the situation. It just felt oddly rude to even point out, in a way.

“…And then there was my band! That I made!” Soldier added with more volume now, still ranting as he banged on the dashboard for emphasis, causing both Demo and the spy head to give a start. “With my own two hands, by god! Salty Pete! Iron Eye…Pepper Pot Pete…Salsa Pete…”

“He means that literally,” Spy whispered more conspiratorially towards Demo now. “He’s craftier with paper mache then you would think.”

Demo couldn’t help but give a snort at that.

“Sounds about right. Y’know he made me a medal or two, right?”

“Ah, me as well,” the Spy head grinned. “Although, I wouldn’t know if they’re still where I last left them. It depends really on whether my compatriots think I’m permanently dead or not, I assume. Ah, well…”

At that Demo paused feeling awkward again, before quickly thinking of a way to change the subject.

“So! Eh…how’d you two meet?”

“You heard him mention all those places he ended up in? With France brought up multiple times?”

“Yeah…?”

“He meant that quite literally. Back in the day me and my…comrades ran into him in the home country, and helped him escape more than once. Of course, he somehow managed to get lost and loop back into our territory  _ at least _ ten times so we became more familiar.”

“Hm…Sounds about right.” Demo shook his head, as he eyed the blissfully unaware Soldier next to him. “Man has no sense of direction. Probably shouldn’t even be driving this van, to be honest.”

“Oh yes, I eventually had to show him the way to Poland myself; quite the trip. If you don’t mind though, would you happen to have a cigarette?”

Well…he’d seen weirder things on the job. Demo fished out his pack with a grunt, before helpfully putting one of the cigs into the spy’s mouth, to his soft thanks as Soldier continued.

“Y’got a lighter, soldier?” Demo interrupted as kindly as he possibly could.

“Uuuuh, no! Check the glove compartment though, I’m sure Sniper wouldn’t mind!”

“Sure that  _ Sniper _ wouldn’t mind what?”

There was a pause as both Soldier and Demo peeked behind the backseats to see a straight-faced Sniper staring at the two of them from the open door to the back of the camper. He must have been standing there listening to the two of them quietly for god knows how long. It appeared as if he had just woken up at least though, scratching at his back irritably as he smoked a cigarette himself.

Soldier of course, was the first one to break the awkward silence between them all.

“Demo! I’m going to need you to hold Sniper at gun point. We need to kick him out of the van.”

“Soldier, I’m not kickin’ our teammate outta his own damn van.”

“I got a lighter, if you still need it,” Sniper cut in calmly before tossing it to Demo who paused as he caught it, looking back at him incredulously.

“…Never mind! He’s being helpful. We will not have to kick Sniper out of the van,” Soldier said with a firm nod. “Demo! Tie Sniper up to a chair anyway though just in case! We cannot trust anyone if we’re to make it out of this situation alive!”

“That ain’t necessary, I think,” Sniper replied smoothly as Demo lit the Spy’s cigarette, before tossing the lighter back to him.

“You’re taking this surprisingly well,” Demo mused as he looked towards Sniper curiously, who raised an eyebrow back.

“Soldier hijacks the camper at least once a week. Best to let him tire himself out on his own before getting it back,” he shrugged. “First time he’s done it with me inside though. Usually he runs the gas tank out and I have to come pick him out in the company one.”

Sniper peeked over Demo’s side of the car now though, curious as he saw smoke coming from his lap. He blinked at the first sight of the Spy head smoking unperturbed from his perch.

“…Huh. That real? You lot aren’t making off with one ‘a the Doc’s experiments, are you?”

“Wait,” Soldier growled, before immediately stomping on the brakes. Everyone fell forward from the momentum having to catch themselves, with loud swearing. “Sniper never sleeps in his van if he’s on base…DEMO, THAT SNIPER IS A SPY!”

“Soldier, wait –!”

It was too late though; before anyone could react, Soldier had already catapulted himself hollering over the front seat, tackling a now wheezing Sniper down onto the cold laminated floor below.

“Just watch!” Soldier growled as he choked the struggling Sniper underneath him. “He’s gonna turn blue any second now! Aaaany second…”

“Soldier – you – idiot –!” Sniper gasped with a snarl as he kicked up uselessly into the man.

“Aw hell,” Demo muttered as he gingerly put the Spy head that had caused all this down.

He quickly got up now, jumping into the fray to try and pull Soldier off himself.

It took everything in Demo’s power though to get him off the man however, leaving everyone panting on the floor of the van when all was said and done. The Spy head watched the entire display from where he was set down, clearly bemused.

“Soldier, you do recall, I am under the employ of the BLU company too, yes?” he mentioned with humor as he continued to puff away and observe.

“Well,” Soldier muttered as Demo finally trusted him enough to let the man out of his grip. “We can’t all be perfect.”

“Christ…” Sniper muttered, groaning as he picked himself off the floor. “I’m gonna be feelin’ that for a week…”

“See?” Demo said encouragingly, giving Soldier a pat on the back. “It’s our Sniper! Mostly naked, but still our Sniper, lad! Not a Spy at all!”

“…Affirmative,” Soldier finally agreed, with a firm nod at that. “We still need to tie him down though! Just in case! Safety purposes. Demo, you hold the man down! Alright, there’s gotta be some rope somewhere back there…”

“Soldier,” Sniper sighed before his eyes widened as Soldier pushed past him, marching into the rest of the camper behind him. “Soldier, no!”

“JUDAS!” Soldier shouted from the back. “THERE IS YET ANOTHER SPY BACK HERE!”

The sound of loud banging and shouting as someone was dragged cursing unceremoniously out of the bed to the left side, blankets flying.

“Soldier?! Ah, what the hell?!”

Sniper, mostly naked or not, Demo expected in Sniper’s camper van. It was  _ Sniper’s _ camper van after all. Fully naked Engineer though, not so much.

That was a bit of a surprise.

“Fuck,” Demo muttered, finding himself having to get up and intervene once again.

Sniper and Engineer huh…well. That at least explained why Sniper decided to spend the night here instead. The walls in their own base might as well be thin as paper, for all that you could hear ten rooms away.

That was neither here nor there though. It took both Sniper and Demo this time to wrestle Soldier off the man, Engineer beet red and blinking as he stumbled away, grabbing as much blanket off the floor as he could for makeshift modesty.

“Soldier – Demo – what the hell are y’all doing in here?!”

“Bold words coming from a SPY!” Soldier shouted, somehow managing to point angrily at him as Sniper and Demo kept holding him back.

“Oh for the love of – what time is it even?!”

“Three thirty in the mornin’ give or take,” Demo unhelpfully added, before turning just as quickly back, facial expression changing to Soldier. “He’s not TURNIN’ BLUE, LAD!”

“Give me ten seconds and he will!”

“Soldier, if he were a Spy, I would know,” came a call from the driver’s seat still behind them as everyone paused. “I think I would recognize my own colleagues.”

Engineer blinked before shoving the three of them aside, marching his way quickly past them. The man paused, eyes widening as he saw now who the voice was coming from.

“Well, that’s certainly more of you then I expected to see,” the Spy head continued, looking the Engineer up and down, eyebrows raised. “More then I saw last time, certainly.”

“Aw hell,” Engineer muttered before shuffling immediately back. “Did you – did y’all go snoopin’ around in the Med Bay?!”

“You knew about this – about that?!” Demo replied incredulously, head snapping quickly from the Spy head back to the Engineer.

“Who do you think designed the metal base under his neck – look, I don’t have to explain this! Y’all shouldn’t even be driving off with the fella in the first place! Where did you – what are ya even plannin’ on even doing with him anyway?!”

“Wizard!”

Everyone’s heads turned slowly now back towards Soldier, still held in a tight grip between Sniper and Demo, albeit somehow still seeming to manage the appearance of looking much too incredibly proud of himself.

“…What?” It was Sniper’s turn to mutter this time, looking down at the man.

“Wizard!” Soldier continued, repeating himself cheerfully. “My old roommate!”

“Your old roommate…” Demo said slowly. “…The one that tries to kill us every Halloween as an act of revenge on you, specifically?”

“Yes!”

“I’ve been telling him I’d rather be dropped off in the BLU base on Badwater, but he’s been most insistent,” the Spy head cut in once again. “I don’t mind though. More interesting then losing one’s sanity slowly, locked and forgotten within a fridge for over two years…”

“…It’s too early for this shit,” Engineer finally said softly, breaking the silence. “Get the hell out of here so I can put some damn clothes on.”

“You can put on your clothes right now! We do not mind!” Soldier added unhelpfully as Engineer fixed the man with a withering stare.

Demo and Sniper didn’t need to be told what to do twice; they hurriedly dragged Soldier back to the front of the van, snapping the door closed behind them.

“Alright,” Demo sighed. “So.”

“To the wizard’s castle, we continue!” Soldier interrupted, finally pushing his way out of his teammates now loosened grips.

He got back into the driver’s seat ignoring any and all protests, the engine coming back to life as he turned the key. Sniper and Demo stared for a moment, Demo’s mouth still half open in clear confusion.

“He’s really serious,” Sniper murmured, before pausing as he realized he was still mostly naked himself. He gave Demo a sympathetic pat on the back before turning himself back towards the door to the living area of his van. “You figure it out. I need to get a shirt on.”

The minute Sniper opened the door though, he immediately closed it as a wrench came hurling towards him with loud expletives, banging with a thud into the other side of it as Sniper closed it just as quickly shut.

“…Never mind. I’ll dress later.”

“Y’want a drink?” Demo offered him his bottle of whiskey, as Sniper accepted it with a muted thanks, taking a long swig.

Demo quickly cursed as Soldier hit the gas pedal again before quickly stumbling back into his own seat, putting on his seatbelt and carrying the spy head once again. Sniper held on to one of the car door handles behind him, leaning against the back of Demo’s seat as he held on for balance.

“Well,” Sniper sighed as Soldier continued to drive the camper god knows where. “At least if things go shit, there’s enough of us to beat up the wizard ourselves.”

“If we even get to the Wizard,” Demo grumbled. “Soldier, do ye’ even know where the man lives?”

“Yes, of course I do!”

“Oh, good…”

“Do you know how to get there?” Sniper helpfully clarified.

“Negative!”

“Shit,” Demo sighed.

Looks like they were going to be driving around in circles for a while.

“Never fear men! First civilian we see, we force the directions out of them!”

“Well that’s just dandy,” Demo grumbled, before looking down at the Spy head once again, who blinked as he noticed and met his gaze.

“What?”

“Ye must be the unluckiest Spy in the business to end up like this, mate.”

“How’d you even end up like that?” Sniper cut in, as Demo’s head snapped back to glare at him. “…What?”

“It’s  _ rude _ to ask a fella how he ended up a severed head!”

“Like you didn’t want to know,” Sniper grumbled. “Engie might know, anyway…”

“He would,” The Spy head snorted. “He did help alleviate some of the pain to my neck after the…incident. It wasn’t really that interesting of an event really. Just a stab attempt gone awry.”

“Seems a bit more than that,” Sniper squinted over Demo’s protests, as the Spy head sighed.

“Well, he was attempting to resuscitate your team’s Heavy at the time if I recall,” Spy mused. “This was before the medigun of course. I was beheaded via bonesaw in my failed attempt, and well…one thing led to another while I was ‘unconscious’ so to speak.”

“Dead,” Sniper replied bluntly.

“Sniper!”

“Demo, mate, he was dead.”

“Well I was certainly being picked up by the respawn system,” Spy snorted. “So dead, but not really…not in the way that matters. Either way, the medic was clearly attempting to use the blood from my disappearing body to mend the heavy’s wound! Now of course, that didn’t work,” the Spy head now laughed.

Demo paused from arguing at Sniper to blink, foggy memories starting to come back now to his head…this story was starting to sound familiar.

Wait.

“…Was there an explosion…?” He finally asked slowly. “That caused the whole shelf of liquids an’ other equipment to fall onto the floor?”

No wonder Demo didn’t remember most of this until now; he had been on fire at the time and mostly occupied with  _ that _ unfortunate dilemma when the entire event had gone down.

“Ah, you remember? You must have been there then!” the Spy head laughed.

“Aye…” Demo muttered now. “All that gunk fell to the floor, an…got electrified an…”

“He used the concoction to bring the Heavy back to life,” Spy finished for him. “And of course, my head that the Heavy had still been holding in his hands. Quite a horrifying way to wake up, dragged unwittingly from the respawn system, I must say.”

“And he didn’t kill ye,” Demo muttered.

It had been so long ago, he barely remembered it all, although the alcohol over the years probably was a factor that didn’t help as well. Demo shook his head, clearly bothered.

“Oh he tried,” Spy added, with a quirk to his head. “Multiple times in fact! Brought the Engineer in to help as well. Unfortunately, I appear to be stuck in a bit of a…hm. A permanent uber, one could say. I quite literally can’t die. And with the rest of my body stuck in limbo in the BLU respawn system, well…hm. If it hasn’t been removed from the system anyway, after all these years. Well! Either way, here I continue to be.”

“Bloody hell,” Demo murmured.

“Ha! Engineer, Medic…those ladies wouldn’t know how to fix a problem, if the problem hit them upside the face,” Soldier growled, apparently listening in as he continued to drive. “Wizard! Magic! End of story!”

“Hm,” the Spy head mused. “As interesting as that sounds, delivering me to the BLUs would probably work out best in my interests, honestly –”

“You can’t trust a BLU within an inch of your life!”

“I’m still a BLU, soldier.”

“We can’t! All! Be! Perfect!”

“This is all I’ve been getting out of him. Ah, if I could shrug, I would…”

The door behind them quietly opened then as Engineer walked out, quietly buttoning one of sniper’s shirts back up. He was mostly dressed now, but still clearly irritable.

“Right,” he finally sighed. “So. I see y’all have met…him.”

Engineer looked over at the Spy head suspiciously, who merely raised an eyebrow back at him. Sniper for his part turned back towards the Engineer, pointing at the head himself.

“How come I never heard ‘bout this?”

“…What the hell would I even be able to tell you about this?” Engineer turned now towards him. “That we were housing an enemy combatant against company orders? Under everyone’s noses? Hell no! It’s not like we can deliver the key to a permanent goddamn uber to the BLUs door either, with a goddamn bow wrapped on top, now can we?”

“I wouldn’t exactly consider a Fridge proper housing,” the Spy head cut in evenly.

“We’ve been over this,” Engineer sighed, rubbing his forehead. “You need to be kept at certain temperatures if we’re going to observe – goddamnit, does anybody have a beer in here?”

Sniper mutely passed him the bottle of whiskey as Engineer quickly grabbed it, taking a swig himself, one of his arms still holding onto the doorframe.

“At the very least, change the radio station,” the Spy head snorted. “Nothing but opera gets on the nerves of a man.”

“Yeah, you tell Medic that,” Engineer grumbled.

“Half the devices you gave me to turn the pages in magazines didn’t even  _ work _ .”

“They were voice assisted! You still can  _ talk, _ clearly!”

“Those infernal machines can barely understand my accent half the time! I say one thing, it gives me another!”

“Well I can’t exactly be expected to calibrate a new technology perfectly in –”

Demo’s eyes flitted between the Spy head and the Engineer as the two continued to bicker, Engineer now accusingly pointing a finger at the head in question.

“How did you even manage to steal an entire pack of cigarettes last Friday, if you haven’t been training the pigeons?!”

“I will not be made to incriminate myself! You have nothing, no evidence you can use to prove!”

“Oh look,” Sniper tried to interrupt helpfully. “That’s a fella walking on the road over there, isn’t it?”

Suddenly Soldier hit the brakes to the van, much to everyone’s loud curses as they all held on to bits of the van in response. Soldier didn’t seem to notice though, quickly opening the door and running out at a dead pace towards the spotted man instead. The pedestrian of course, seeing a crazed armed mercenary running towards him carrying a shotgun was quick to turn around and run himself in the exact opposite direction.

“…Right,” Sniper said as the group of them watched. “I don’t think we’re getting proper directions out of him. Do we just wait here or…?”

“I s’pose so,” the Engineer finally said.

An awkward silence blanketed the mercs now, as the group of them watched Soldier chase the man screaming down towards the end of the road, beginning to catch up to him now.

“…So,” the Spy head now said. “Engineer. I see you seem to have certain…tastes.”

“You shush.”

“I was talking about the goggles,” the Spy head continued innocently, keeping his face straight. “New brand?”

“Uh huh,  _ sure. _ ”

Before the conversation could continue further though Soldier came jogging back, dragging the freshly caught clearly terrified man with him in a firm headlock.

“Please…please! If it’s money you want, just take my wallet!”

“A likely story!” Soldier growled. “Is that what the Communists told you to say?”

“C-communists? I told you, I don’t know anything!”

“TELL ME HOW TO LOCATE THE WIZARD YOU COMMIE BASTARD!” Soldier shouted, slapping the man now with the back of his left hand.

“I DON’T KNOW – I DON’T KNOW, I SWEAR! OH GOD –!” The man started crying now, sobbing hard, as Soldier hesitated awkwardly over him.

He paused, clearly disturbed, before finally dropping him onto the ground without warning, marching back into the front seat of the van.

“Men, this is sad to watch! Let’s find a different target!”

“There’s a diner down this road, just ask around there,” Engineer replied with a sigh, as Soldier began driving again. “I’d say it should be opening soon anyhow.”

“Diner! On it!”

Silence blanketed over them again as the van revved back to life, before Sniper finally awkwardly broke it again.

“So…” Sniper tried to prod Engineer again. “How long you been helpin’ with this…project?”

“Can’t say I recall. You know you can put your clothes on now though, right?”

Sniper looked down at himself slowly before looking back towards the Engineer, as if suddenly remembering he was still in fact, in just his underwear.

“…Yeah, good idea.”

“I reckon it is.”

Sniper shuffled off to the back of the van, closing the door behind him. By the time he had fully dressed himself, Soldier finally careened the van into the parking lot of the Diner, smashing the brakes down with a loud screech diagonally across four of the open spots.

It truly was a blessing in disguise that they had come so early…a move like that would have caused a fight on sight with any locals that happened to be in there. As the group of mercs all filed out, making their way towards the establishment, it appeared as if Engineer’s guess had proven correct. The diner was now open, if only barely, a waitress inside blinking blearily over at them from behind the counter towards them as their entrance caused the front door to jingle.

Soldier had by now taken the Spy head back from Demo, holding onto it possessively as Engineer took the lead this time. He nodded to the waitress before walking forward ahead of the group.

“Sorry for the bother ma’am. Do you happen to have directions to a large, vaguely gothic, European lookin’ mansion around the area? Kinda spooky lookin’ sorta estate?”

The waitress blinked at him, before slowly nodding.

“The one up in that there wooded area? Pretty sure it’s just off the freeway boys. You take two lefts and keep driving straight, you should see it in a few miles. Y’all sure you don’t want any coffee or nothin’ though…?”

“I could go for some coffee,” Sniper softly mentioned from behind.

“Some coffee would be quite nice, yes. Do they happen to have a menu?” The Spy head asked.

The woman paused when she finally noticed the Spy head, held in the Soldier’s arms behind them. She slowly looked from the disembodied head, back to the disheveled rag tag group, and back.

Years of customer service in a backwater town made her strong, however. She somehow managed to keep a straight face, choosing not to point out the clearly severed head they held within their company.

“Menu’s on the wall boys, you can take whatever you want to go.”

“That’s mighty kind of you, ma’am,” Engineer quickly said.

A few minutes later and they packed their way back out the shop, coffees and bags of food in hand. Soon, they were all on their way in the camper van again.

Demo had stuck a straw into the Spy’s allocated coffee, holding the drink steady between his legs as the spy began to drink. Demo munched on a sandwich of his own, intermittently passing the one he held in his other in front of the spy heads mouth whenever he coughed pointedly for it to take a bite.

“I have to admit,” Engineer mused out loud, a little more relaxed now. “I’m surprised me and the doc hadn’t considered magic sooner. Even if that wizard ain’t gonna want to work with us – which I expect he won’t – we could still sneak in and possibly steal some of his books.”

“I’d be careful ‘bout that if I were you,” Demo shuddered now, sitting as he was in the front, keeper of the Spy head once again. “That’s how I lost me eye, if you recall.”

A few murmurs of sympathy at that.

“Yes well,” the Spy head finally said, the left side of his mouth quirking just a bit. “Better one eye than the rest of your body just below your neck, yes?”

“Ma would still expect me to hold ten jobs or so like that I think anyway,” Demo chuckled at that.

“Heh…what time is it now anyway?” Engineer asked once again.

“…About six or so,” Sniper replied. “…Why?”

“No reason,” Engineer answered with a shrug. “Medic wakes up around eight. Y’all want might want to wrap this up’fore then, is all.”

“We are on the lam!”

“Soldier,” Engineer replied calmly. “You signed a contract.”

“Contract? You all signed contracts? I just showed up!”

“That’s not surprising,” the Spy head noted dryly. “You have a habit of doing that.”

“Works every time!” Soldier said proudly, continuing to drive straight down the road. “Sixty percent of the time, all the time!”

It was now Demo’s turn to look towards Engie now, who blinked as he returned the man’s gaze.

“Anyone at the top know about this…?” Demo asked.

He didn’t mention any names, but they all knew who he meant; it could stay unspoken.

Engineer only shook his head slowly at that, as Demo sunk back down in relief. Last thing he wanted to deal with was anything related to well…her. Any of them really. After all this, anyway.

“Look!” Soldier pointed out excitedly now. “Spires! I can see it! My god, Engineer, you genius!”

“Weren’t nothing,” the man replied with a shrug, as he leaned forward, squinting off in the distance to see as well. “Just want to get this over with, same as y’all.”

“Merasmus, you old bastard, here we come!”

Soldier slammed on the gas, sending them all careening forward with various shouts dangerously once again. The castle got closer, and closer, until they were close enough to see the queue of other cars lined out front drive, blocking the entryway in their path. From their vantage point as they came in, a clearly anxious Merasmus was trying to reason with a couple of weathered, scowling looking men with guns just outside his front door, as he wrung his hands in front of them.

“…S’that the Japanese mafia? I think that’s the Japanese mafia.” Engineer was the first to comment as Soldier abruptly parked the camper. “I s’pose that works out for us. Now I say, we sneak inside from the back door, and…”

Soldier snatched the Spy head from Demo’s lap suddenly, Demo giving a shout.

“MERASMUS!” Soldier shouted, already jogging out of the van while he carried the Spy head with him away, one armed. “MERASMUS! YOU OLD SPONGE!”

Merasmus turned curiously towards the shouting voice as the men on his front porch turned curiously over as well; in that moment, Merasmus’ eyes widened in emotions ranging from surprise, to anger, to clear fear as well, all in the span of that brief, brief few seconds.

Soldier, you complete imbecile! What are you doing here?!”

“You know this man?” One of the mafia men asked, turning back now to the wizard. “Anything you want to be telling us here, that we don’t know?”

“OF COURSE HE KNOWS ME!” Soldier continued to shout, waving a shotgun over his head. “HEY MERASMUS! MERASMURRAY!”

The rest of the mercs exchanged glances before pulling out their weapons and following along behind as they spilled out of the camper van, the mafia men quickly aiming towards them now as well as they saw them coming.

“Don’t tell me you planned this,” the man in charge growled as Merasmus could only shake his head profusely in pure shock.

“What? No! No! I barely even know those idiots! I hate them, if anything!”

“MERASMUS! HEY BUDDY! OL’ PAL! MERASCHUM!”

“Oh, how I detest that man,” Merasmus grumbled in defeat as the rest of the mafia members in front of him already started to shoot warning shots back.

One lobbed explosive from Demo, and everything fell apart to pieces in chaos from there. As a minisentry from Engineer was dropped, and heads fell thanks to Sniper, Demo ran forward with a loud roar, passing Soldier’s rocket launcher towards the man as he did, who caught with a loud deranged laugh, and started shooting wildly.

“Oh, once the boss hears about this,” the leader muttered, swearing as he tried to pull out his phone, before crumpling to the ground as Soldier landed unceremoniously with a blast jump on top of him.

“Hello Merasmus!”

“Soldier! You fool! Look what you’ve done!”

“Hello? Is anyone there? If this is a prank call I swear –” a tinny voice came from the unconscious man’s cell phone before Soldier cheerfully stomped the device to pieces.

“I’m helping! That’s what friends are for!”

“HELPING?! Once they find out what happened here, no amount of money I pay back will keep them off me!”

Another loud explosion as Demo soared, before ripping the head off another goon with his trusty ghost sword and a loud laugh. Engineer shot the man next to him meanwhile, while goring through another unfortunate with a spin of his robotic hand.

“Find out what? We bury bodies all the time!” At that Soldier paused. “Well Miss Pauling does. We just make them dead! So that she can bury them.”

Soldier paused, turning to shoot the man behind them before turning back to Merasmus with yet another wide grin, blood splattered now across his face.

“What – bury them – I mean –!”

“You know,” the Spy head finally said, drawing attention to himself from the wizard above. “They do appear to be dying quite violently. I suppose you could make quite the haunted burial ground out of them all. Easy business if one were interested in building some sort of ancient carnival summoning ground.”

Merasmus paused at that.

“…That’s…that’s actually not a bad idea…I – wait. Is that a talking head?”

“That’s neither here nor there,” the head continued smartly as Soldier presented him forward more proudly. “Listen; let’s make a deal here. I’d like my body back. You surely have some form of magic in your books that will help me get my body back. You help me, these men help you with your…situation.”

“Well,” Merasmus muttered. “They already seem to be.”

“Alright, how about this,” the Spy head pressed on, voice hardening. “We help you build your little burial ground, and  _ kindly choose not to call  _ the leader of the Japanese mafia, and you, in all your grace, opt to help me attain my body back. Does that sound better?”

Merasmus blinked, staring at the head before slowly nodding.

“Yes…yes I suppose I’m fine with that. I think…?”

“Ah good! Soldier here is an excellent – well he’s  _ a _ lawyer. He will draw up the paperwork. If we might walk inside your establishment…? Soldier, do carry me.”

“Yes sir!”

As the last of the mafia men bled out onto the ground below, the three of them walked inside the Wizard’s castle, ready now to negotiate terms.

Demo paused as he pulled his sword with a gush of blood out of one of the groaning men’s necks before cleaning it off.

“The dumb bastards,” he finally chuckled. “They’re actually pulling it off!”

“Yeah, no thanks to us,” Engineer grumbled, grabbing enough scrap metal now to build a dispenser as he motioned the much bloodier Sniper over to him to take advantage of it.

Engineer squinted as he looked over their handiwork, some men still groaning below them. Engineer shot quickly into them before turning back to Demo.

“Doc’s gonna have some questions though,” Sniper finally muttered as he made his way over.

“Doc we can handle,” Engineer quickly said. We’ll burn that bridge when we get to it. “Pauling’s the one we gotta be more careful about…y’all remember that now.”

Everyone nodded cautiously at that…the events of the day still weren’t over after all.

They still had a long way to go.

Well, Demo thought as he inwardly shrugged. If that sort of thing frightened him normally, he wouldn’t be in this sort of job in the first place.

“One thing at a time lads, aye? We got a right mess to take care of out here now first, anyway…”

The others nodded; quickly the group of them got back to work, as best they could.


End file.
